


The Journal

by renchan



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Fluff, Journal, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-27
Updated: 2015-01-27
Packaged: 2018-03-09 07:16:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,679
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3241037
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/renchan/pseuds/renchan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dorian keeps a journal.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Journal

For a man who could not be himself around anyone, a journal was a form of escape. Everyone, whether noble or slave, needed a form of _release_ every once in a while. Dorian’s second form of release was whiskey, which he had started stealing from his father’s cabinets when he was a young teenager. Sometimes he would drink and drink and drink, cry, and fill pages of his journal. He hid it between his mattresses, and quite honestly, he had expected to be found out long ago. 

 

He knew that his mother had the servants reading it to keep tabs on him, and that was why he had a _fake_ one – speaking of falling in love with women, of enjoying his studies, of his excitement over leaving for the Circle. His _real_ journal was hid somewhere far more private, a location that he was reluctant to disclose for fear of it being found. He needed his own privacy, he needed that release, and he needed it to be _private_.

 

During his few years in the Circle, Dorian had forgotten to write in his journal. He did not want to risk his room-mate, who frequently snooped about their room anyway, to find it. His sexuality being outted in such an environment could have led to him being expelled, and as much as he needed his release, he obtained it in a far safer way.  He would write a journal entry and then burn it in the fireplace. While true it could be repaired, he always did it at exactly four o’clock in the morning. The servants were finished cleaning and the Templars were switching their rotation, and that mean it was safe for him to break curfew. 

 

As an adult, when he returned to his father’s home, Dorian began writing in the journal again. The older he became, the more frustrated he became with needing to hide who he was. While true that he did have a rather active sex life, it wasn’t the same as making a _connection_ with another man. Sex had been fine as a teenager, but he was growing older, and he longed for something _more_.  He longed for communication, but more importantly, he longed for _love_ and _acceptance_. 

 

When he discovered what his Father was planning, he packed his things, including his journal, and walked right out the door.

 

He continued to write. 

 

_Entry 1_

_I haven’t written in this in quite a while, I’m afraid. Perhaps that’s a good thing. The Inquisition has been keeping me quite busy and so I haven’t had much time for…longing. Well, of that sort. The Inquisitor is a far kinder man than I expected, or perhaps I’m simply used to men in power constantly abusing it. I need to remember that not every man is like my Father. In any case, I’m not writing in this to speak about him.  
_

_From the very moment I laid eyes on him, I was smitten. Of course, my first thought was sexual in nature (Auden is very attractive), but as I grew to know him, I could feel myself falling. And that is dangerous. But perhaps not as dangerous as I thought. I have not seen Auden expressing any interest in the multiple women that surround him, and I’ve noticed his eyes on me lately.  
_

_Then, there’s the flirting.  
_

_Back at Haven he said that he wanted the mages to be like me, that it would not be trouble if they were. Perhaps that comment sounded more innocent, but Auden has been a little less…discreet. He mentioned he was distracted when we spoke, he compliments me frequently. Am I reading too much into it? Could this be leading to something?  
_

_Oh, apparently there’s an assignment. I do so love those._

Entry 2

_Today I informed Auden that we might be related. Of course, I was only being cheeky, but he seemed rather put-off by it. I was incredibly surprised when he mentioned that being related would make flirting_ awkward _._

_He admitted that he had been flirting with me, and looking back on the previous flirts, I certainly was not reading too much into things.  I’m enjoying his company, I’m enjoying our conversations…We have much in common, Auden and I. My journal is quickly becoming about my infatuation with the Inquisitor!  
_

_I should probably mind a bit more than I do.  
_

Entry 3

_Today has been an incredibly tedious day.  
_

_I received – well, not really_ received _– a letter from my Father.  I knew immediately it was a trap, and Auden informed me that the letter had been given to him by someone else. He could have kept this a secret, but instead, he received the letter and immediately gave it to me.  I respect him. I’m not used to people being so…kind._

_Auden went with me to meet my Father, encouraging me to hear what he had to say. Strangely, seeing my Father was not all negative – I learned that Auden is, in fact, interested in men. Perhaps the man asked what I meant by ‘enjoying the company of men’ because he was just as surprised as I was. Although I’ve never really tried to hide my sexuality from the Inquisition, not by any means._

_The conversation went on, Auden reassuring me that he thought more of me, rather than less, after seeing the baggage I carry. He smiled at me, he viewed me as a human being, and when I told him that I tired of living a lie, that my father had never understood…_

_Auden kissed me.  
_

_The kiss was wonderful, everything I had ever imagined. Even thinking about it now causes my heart to ache. I’ve had rather a lot of wine so I’m going to sleep and think about how delightfully soft the Inquisitor’s lips are._

Entry 4

 

_The flirting has continued, and as time went on, I grew a bit impatient and began to make it known that I wanted to have sex with him. Perhaps it was wrong of me, but I am not a very patient man.  To be quite honest, I hadn’t expected that he would want me after. That our beginnings of a – should I call it a relationship? – would delve into sex, which I wouldn’t mind. I’ve been taught not to want more, to avoid it if possible, because a relationship between two men rarely works in Tevinter. It is almost always for sex, and I’ve heard rumors of couples being separated and killed in dungeons about as recent as five years ago.  I was a bit…anxious._

_I told Auden to meet me in his quarters and true to his word, the man came up relatively quickly. The sex was glorious, though I admit I was still anxious and did not tell him everything I liked. It was the first time we had sex, it was awkward and sweet and Auden was very…loving. I decided to build up my courage and ask where this left us. If Auden wanted more. The man reassured me and that is how I ended up in my first relationship. Of course I am still terrified, I am anxious, but does it matter? Auden cares for me, I care for him. I'm no longer afraid of wanting more. I’m afraid of the next step, but with him by my side, the fear fades and I become more excited._

_Speaking of, I hear him coming up the stairs._

Entry 5

_Maker_ , _Auden always surprises me.  
_

_Leliana apparently mentioned to him that I was searching for my amulet, and Auden went to Val Royeaux in order to retrieve it for me. It had apparently been sold to a merchant there and he promised him influence if he returned it to me.  I hadn’t known Auden even_ knew _I was searching for it, and yet now it is in my hands._

_Perhaps the Pavus family sigil should not mean as much to me as it does, with how I’ve suffered for my connection to it. But the amulet has a lot of good memories as well and it is nice to have a piece of myself returned to me. I don’t wear it, of course, but it is lovely to know that it is there when I want to hold it. I tend to take it with me on long assignments. It’s given me luck so far.  
_

_It led me to Auden, after all._

Entry 6

 

_I’m in love and I’m terrified._

Entry 7 

 

_I’m in love with this man. I’m in love with his gorgeous smile – his perfect white teeth, the way he smiles shyly when he catches me looking at him, the way his arms feel when they wrap around me. I adore how possessive he is over me, how he worries. I adore absolutely everything about him and I feel as though I’m falling deeper and deeper, and I am no longer afraid._

Entry 8 

 

_I’m engaged._

_I should start signing this Dorian Trevelyan, quite honestly. I rather like the look of it.  
_

Entry 9 

 

_Auden is in pain and I’m not entirely sure what to do. He hasn’t slept in over twenty-four hours._

_All I can do is stroke his hair and hope for the best.  
_

Entry 10 

 

_We’re getting married tomorrow and I’m filled with butterflies._

 

Dorian smiled a bit at his last entry in his old leather journal that he’d had since he was a child. There were so many distressing memories associated with it, and yet the last two years had been filled with only good memories, and they quickly filled up the pages. His entries had become rather short throughout the years because he used it as more of a marking of a milestone, rather than a place to vent, to be himself.

 

The smile grew as he heard footsteps. 

 

No, he didn’t need his journal anymore.  Not when he had a beautiful man who allowed him to be himself. Dorian quickly shoved the journal underneath the bed and pretended to read.

 

_Maker_ , he loved him.


End file.
